It has been a long while since I last blogged here. I suppose I should update my about page with the changes, and I will but…for now. I just need a place to rage against the universe again.
I am doing much better generally, but paradoxically, this means that when I am hit with a depressive episode like I am now, it hits harder. I am a mom now, I don’t have the luxury of time to heal. As if we ever really heal from the bastard that is a mental illness anyway. Life is busy and there are so many things that are pulling at me. I don’t know which I can pull down. It all feels so heavy, just like the Linkin Park song, and well, it’s not exactly reassuring to be strongly identifying with lyrics of someone who lost their battle with depression.
But still, I will fight. I will continue. I will not give up. I will try to communicate that when I ask for a cup of tea, I am saying: I am vulnerable, I don’t feel safe. Please give me some reassurance that I am worthy of my place in the world. I know it is a lot to ask of a cup of tea, but those are the messages that tea carries for me. The promise of safety. A link to the world…a connection to say “Hang on”. Don’t give up.
I know that this will pass. But here and now, it sucks!