I do not want to forget the abuse that I l have lived through because it is one of the things that shaped who I am.
It is one of the reasons that I able to empathize with the outcasts, the beaten and the down.
It is one of the reasons that I feel deeply. It is one of the reasons that I believe in kindness.
I do not want to forget because having experienced abuse is one of the things that made me who I am today.
I don’t believe that we would have been given the ability to feel emotions if they are sinful and contrary to our nature.
I don’t believe that we are given things to experience unless they aid in our growth.
I don’t believe that the Gods want us to suppress who we are, or what we feel.
I believe that life is for living, and that we should choose to live and feel.
Fear is a cage and I have begun to leave it.
Today I completed my Open Water Diver Certification. It was the most amazing feeling.
According to my instructor on the boat trip back to the island, I had quite the grin on my face.
I can’t quite begin to express the significance of this achievement. It was something that my family had me believe that I would never ever be able to do. That I would be kept in the cage built from fear and shame.
I swum out of that cage.
And it feels amazing and relaxed.
We went up to Arenal volcano this past weekend, Riaan and I, and while we walking through a rain forest (just before we saw an anteater) I found myself thinking about love.
Is it possible that someone who has not experienced love to love you? And is love more than just a feeling and a word that you say. If you love someone can you hurt them? Over and over again?
Can you keep score of their wrongdoings…make everything a game with a sadistic score card which compares people and action.
If there is one thing that scares me most about having been abused as a child it is that I am afraid that I do not know how to love. Not properly, not unselfishly, not without any strings, not without keeping score…however unconsciously.
As time ticks by I wonder about things being black and white…is a person completely good or completely bad…or are people just people, simultaneously capable and doing good and evil.
And surely there is no such thing as destiny. But then I keep getting lost in the quagmire of my thoughts and fears…
And then I remember I have been able to love unconditionally before. I have been able to lay down my burden of hurts and let my spirit run free with someone elses.
Perhaps that is what will save me.
A somewhat recurring theme for me at the moment is uncertainty about who I am and what I want to achieve with my life.
But this is not entirely true, there are some things that I know I want to achieve before I shuffle off this mortal coil…and to this end, I introduce the Bucket List.
I have no idea how many of these I will manage to cross off, but that is not actually the point. And I have no doubt that I will add to it as time goes by…and that is actually pretty amazing when you think about it…that we are living in a time where we can create and add to such bucket lists.
I feel stuck…I am slowly doing some recovery work outlined in one of the books dealing with having a narcissistic mother but I feel stuck…as though I am not willing to let go of the umbilical cord of my past.
My mother emailed me yesterday and I don’t know how to respond…if I even want to respond…no doubt the fact that I have not replied already makes me a bad daughter and vindicates her worldview…and yet, I can’t write: “Yes mother, I think of you too…and wonder if you feel any remorse for what you did to me? Whether you even remember it? Whether you genuinely believe it is my fault?”
The worse thing is I love her…but I don’t think there is any way for me to be around her at the moment. I fulfilled two roles in our little dysfunctional family: lost child and scapegoat.I am feeling the effects of the lost child at the moment…I literally have no idea what I want to do with my life at the moment or of who I am.
I wish someone could just hand me a map and instruction manual…but then, what would I actually learn…I am whinging…no, make that venting…I guess part of this healing process is just letting the feelings come and actually feeling them…inside of hiding behind a mountainous to-do list.
Just feeling my way out of this darkness and into the light.
I looked back at my first post today and I was amazed to see how far away from that I am at the moment. It makes me happy to see.
I also had a conversation about the healing from my childhood (and some adulthood) abuse…where the point was raised that it was around a quarter century of abuse, healing it will take some time.
But I think the point is…I am healing…I am getting better…and I am doing the soul work that I need to do to heal. It means that I am taking time to be introspective and stop and think…where I am not necessarily keeping busy and that is perfectly okay.
It’s amazing to see how in two months I have grown…I am leaving this part of the darkness behind me and it feels pretty damn good.
Today I pulled out an oracle card which represents truth. Part of the descriptive text for this card reads:
At this time you are discovering new truths about yourself… Now is a time for finding out the false and misleading beliefs that you have accepted and discovering that you are a better person than you thought — and have the potential to accomplish more than you believed that you could.
One of the things that I have learned in my family is that should not achieve too much…I do have a couple of significant of accomplishments, but my role was to serve as contrast…be dull so that your sister’s light will appear to shine more brightly. Be afraid and stay in your cave, where it is safe.
I started making a list today of things that I want to achieve with my life. All of them are completely doable…it just is going to take a bit of effort with some…and I can do it. I can believe in me…