Why I don’t want to forget

I do not want to forget the abuse that I l have lived through because it is one of the things that shaped who I am.

It is one of the reasons that I able to empathize with the outcasts, the beaten and the down.

It is one of the reasons that I feel deeply. It is one of the reasons that I believe in kindness.

I do not want to forget because having experienced abuse is one of the things that made me who I am today.

I don’t believe that we would have been given the ability to feel emotions if they are sinful and contrary to our nature.

I don’t believe that we are given things to experience unless they aid in our growth.

I don’t believe that the Gods want us to suppress who we are, or what we feel.

I believe that life is for living, and that we should choose to live and feel.

Sometimes, you don’t know how badly you need to hear something until you hear it

Sometimes I know what I am going to write about here and other times not. Today I thought I was going to write about a painful memory involving my sister that has recently resurfaced but it seemed that the universe had other plans. I opened my email to find this message this morning:

Let me tell you something about YOU.

YOU can do anything you want. YOU are
in control.

YOU can achieve as much success as you
want to.

YOU can and will pick yourself up when
life knocks you down.

I BELIEVE IN YOU.

Thant’s all I wanted to say,

Frank

The universe sent me the exact message that I needed to hear. Because it is something that I am working on believing in myself. Due to the circumstances of my upbringing I never had a close relationship with anyone who was my cheerleader: belief, support and love were conditional.

But I realize now that the belief that people supporting you, believing in you, loving you are conditional is completely false. Unfortunately, it takes more than a little bit of cognitive dissonance to move beyond it. However I am consciously working on it, believing in me, and believing in other people.

Believing in picking myself up. Believing in not being defined by the fact that I was abused as a child.

Believing in the fact that the world is a beautiful and exciting place and that people are good and kind, even though they sometimes do bad things.

These beliefs are getting stronger each day and so am I.

So, thank you Mr. Kern for sending me the message that I needed to hear today.

 

Finding the Win

Warning: Long and rambling blog-post ahead 🙂

Sometimes, it’s difficult to find triumph and celebrate success. It just feels like everything is against you and you are destined to fail (or maybe, that is just me…for the sake of my sanity, please don’t disillusion me).

Today started off feeling like one of those days, of course, on reflection I think today started off with a hangover from yesterday where I managed to work myself into a foul mood…big monthly shops do not do wonders for my zen and there was an idiot on the other side of the road which made it a tad more stressful when we were driving along the side of the road which was badly damaged last November with the landslides…but anyway.

This morning, when I began with my Spanish lesson I was not managing…and it was tempting to give up and give into the label “never sees anything through”, but I flipped a switch.

I am a freelancer which gives me a level of freedom about how my day is structured…and after breakfast I currently do some housework and do a Spanish lesson at the same time. It makes it easier to focus on the Spanish lesson because I do not run off to do other tasks…and housework is much less boring.

But anyway, I digress, so today my Spanish lesson was not going well… I was messing up the most simple sentences and completely mispronouncing words and generally having a bit of a disaster.

But instead of giving up…I kept at it. I did that same lesson about 4 times and I nailed it. I had to fight hard for that win, and not only did the dishes get washed and the floors swept, the meat that we bought yesterday was repacked and I started washing the kitchen walls and dusting the ceiling.

And after all of this had been done I found myself thinking about how I managed to fight for the win…and I got the win. A small triumph…in the grand scheme of things one Spanish lesson is inconsequential…but, it was a badly needed win.

But the fact that I needed the win so badly, I think, is what gave me the strength to fight for it.