Flashbacks – Trigger Warning!

I have been having flashbacks from hell for the last week. I have been reliving the sensation of hands around my neck. A slightly stronger pressure on the right side of my larynx. I am feeling fingers tighten. Making it more difficult to breathe.

I have been battling to believe myself. I know it happened. I know it is real, and yet I don;t quite believe it. Today I made a connection though. When I told my parents about the physical bullying that I had endured in primary school, my mom turned around and said to me:

You are wrong. It never happened.

Those incidents I knew about. Those incidents I have no doubt believing occurred.

Yet my mother was adamant that they did not happen. She used the exact words that she used to deny her own abuse. I am not wrong. I know my mother abused me, and yet sometimes I battle to believe it. Its tearing me apart somewhat.

Avoidance and Denial

At the moment I think I could win a medal for avoidance and denial.

My mother sadly, looks to be a narcissistic mother. Ironically, a few years ago I found my way to the daughters of narcissistic mothers website. I read the information and decided that it did not apply.

My mom may have her issues but she is not that bad.

Now I find myself falling into the same trap. I am busy reading Will I Ever Be Good Enough and even while I am making notes on the questionnaires which show a very strong likelihood that my mother is a narcissistic mother I keep pulling back emotionally. I can clinically remark that the traits are there…and I am having memories that are pretty much textbook narcissistic mother…like my first day at school where my mother did nothing to help me get ready…and the fact that as a kid my hair was always unbrushed (and frequently unwashed)…or the fact that I took over the responsibility for waking the entire house up in the morning from my sister when I went into primary school…

I am still shrinking from the reality, even as I see the truth, I keep pulling back. I am working on being ready to accept this reality…but for now it is rather detached. Where I am walking in a world with two identities and realities.

I know part of this denial is what I was taught to believe as I was raised. Another part is fear. Change is scary…I know where I am now, I do not know where I will be when these realities merge.

Another part is fear of what people will say, and how do I explain being the child of a narcissist? How do I respond to those who go why aren’t you in contact with your mother. That part I know is the fact that I was taught that family is family and you don’t air your dirty laundry in front of other people.

But the fact that I am at least recognizing me avoiding the issue, the fact that a book that would usually be finished in less than a day is sitting at about 20% read after dipping in and out over the weekend…is in itself powerful.

I know that I can make it through this journey, I do have an amazing supportive circle that I can turn to.  I can leave this cave.