I’m not okay…but I will be

My depression is a dark secret. Very few people in real life no about it. Even less of them know how bad it is. And the effort of hiding it is becoming exhausting. An unexpected visit at the weekend exhausted me.

I get consumed with feelings of self-loathing. Angry at myself for being so pathetic. Their is a tiny voice inside my head that speaks out and tells me that I’m being irrational, but it is drowned out.

I think one of the things that makes it worse is that I feel like I don’t have any right to be depressed. That I’m a liar and a fake and that I should just happy the fuck up.  I should be grateful for what I do have. I should be out in the world riding rainbows. But at the moment it is just too much effort.

Perhaps I am just exhausted, tired out of pretending to be okay. Because right now I am not okay. I will be one day. But today is not that day. And it’s alright for me to cry a little bit.

I know I need to get help, the thing is I suck at asking for it. I don’t know if it is a hangover of being an abused kid or if it is just stubbornness, of wanting to exist in a reality where I don’t need help. Where I am completely independent. But that would be just another form of delusion.

So for now I’ll just get it off my chest, I’m not okay…but I will be.

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3 thoughts on “I’m not okay…but I will be

  1. I know how u feel. I often feel the same. I too was abused as a child. We were damaged and will always carry the scars. Sometimes scars start to ache/hurt again and we react by remembering all over again. Self loathing is a side effect. I often hate myself and then I wonder why. I too can be difficult and horrid. It feels like there isnt anyone out there who understands and cares.
    Dont feel alone. You are not! Remember there is someone out there who feels exactly like you do.

    It is so good to get it off your chest. Keep the channel of communication open.
    Keep writing.
    I havent blogged for a while. The things I want to say may not want to be heard.

  2. You absolutely will be okay. And for the day, or for the moment, it’s okay to just let yourself be sad. Fighting it takes so much energy; sometimes it’s a relief to just let yourself “be” with the sadness. Just don’t get permanently lost there, okay?
    Be well and know that others are out here who understand.

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