Your relationship with your mother is the first relationship that you ever have. For 9 months, before you begin to relate to anyone else…your world exists only with reference to the woman who gives birth to you.
Even when you are an adult, even if you have cut off contact with your mother…you still have a psychological connection to her. Even if your relationship is defined by an absence of a relationship…there are still ties to her. Ties that you will never be entirely free of.
So perhaps this makes sense. The fact that even though I like to think I was partially prepared for my mother’s passing (even though it was unexpected). I was not. I don’t think anyone can be.
So for now…I am just feeling a little bit lost.