Today I am feeling empty…like I am standing at the edge of a precipice but I am blind-folded. Its almost as though I am not up to facing the intense emotions that I felt yesterday.
It is almost like I have wrapped myself in cotton wool and put myself away. I have no idea how to continue grieving the loss of my mom. I know that there are feelings that I need to face up to.
I know the emotion that I need to confront the most is rejection.
I need to face up to the fact that I feel a bit like a hypocrite.
I need to acknowledge the truth that my fairy tale will never come true. I need to let go of a great deal of hurt and pain. And admit that it is okay for me to feel those things…but right now, I just don’t feel like I can.
I am young and the first in my circle to lose a parent and so unfortunately, or maybe fortunately (I don’t know), there is no “real” person to guide me through this process.
So I am turning to a computer monitor and just letting this all out…admitting that I don’t have a clue, and feeling awfully lost and alone.