I don’t do feelings very well. I don’t know if that is just the way I was originally wired or if it is a coping mechanism.
My sister-in-law made the comment that I didn’t really cry over my mom’s death which is not entirely true…but is not entirely false either. The truth is I battle to feel on the facts. Perhaps, it’s because of my professional training…perhaps, it’s a quirky personality trait.
But given the correct soundtrack I will go from emotionless robot, the strong person, to a blubbering puddle in the floor on no time flat. In fact the thing that made me the most nervous about delivering my mom’s eulogy was whether or not it would be to soon after one of the hymns in the funeral.
So it seems fitting that I admit the soundtrack to my grief at the moment. There are two songs that I have always used in difficult times…when I was dealing with the aftermath of being raped and ever since.
Firstly, Jane Siberry’s “Calling All Angels” and Secondly, Jimmy Eat World “Hear You Me”.
I was surprised in the funeral with the one prayer that the priest said…The constant refrain was “May angels lead you…” I like to think that this is a bit of a sign.