What I Missed: Having someone who has got my back

It’s the little things that I missed out on growing up that bite at me and hurt me the most.

Knowing, for certain, that there was someone there who absolutely, without a doubt, was on my side.Not necessarily agreeing with everything that I say or do but caring and looking out for me.

Someone who let me know that I was unconditionally loved. There were people in my life who did, but I was kept away from them. Made to believe that love was based on what I did and how I compared. And to know that no matter what I would always be second best, and never good enough.

Knowing that I would be disbelieved and was unworthy until I could prove otherwise.

I’m a mess at the moment because of it…and yet I am still running away from these memories and hurts. The ones that are in the corner of my mind’s eye.

I am feeling the effects of them at the moment, crying the tears that I suppressed so many years ago…but I cannot recall any detail…and with most of them there is just a shadow of a glimpse of them, one that I sometimes catch out of the corner of my mind’s eye.

It’s terrifying and exhausting…but cathartic too…crying for “no reason”. Tears washing my soul.

But sometimes still I catch myself denying the reality of what I grew up with. And I know that it is a coping mechanism, one that I developed so many years ago, and simultaneously conditioned into me that with absolute certainty I would tell you I was not abused or hurting.

I am letting myself feel the hurt now and taking it from there.

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4 thoughts on “What I Missed: Having someone who has got my back

  1. I completely relate to this blog. I, too, grew up without the sense of anyone but my Papa (my grandfather who lived far away) having my back. I don’t know that I consciously realized I felt this way at the time, but looking back I knew it subconsciously. I was always the difficult child (according to my parents). I never quite measured up. Now as an adult I see that I still struggle with my self worth and I almost expect people to not be there for me.
    I hope that in time you find your peace with how things were, and how they are now. I certainly don’t have all the answers, because I too am trying to find my way and make sense of my life and my place in the world.

  2. I am 50 and live still to this day with a never ending battle between the warrior on the outside that must defend me if I need it and the insecure, emotionally immature child that can’t seem to finish anything and can’t maintain independence. May the Universe hear our voices and read our words and shine warmth, safety, love, peace, strength, answers and loyal loving arms on us to us in us and around us all! May all the pain be replaced with forgiveness, intelligence and wisdom and may we all feel truly completely soul deeply loved, honored, worshipped once, finally for all that was missing, held back, cruelly stealing away our potential and promise in the name of motherhood!
    I forgive you Mom…I do not trust you.

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