Hiding

I am angry and frustrated.

I do not know whether it is with myself or with my mother. Or with both of us. There is a memory hovering in the back of mind. Triggered by an anxiety attack when I first began to descend on my open water dive.

Triggered by the smell of dishwashing soap. A memory that made me feel unloved and unworthy and scared that I was about to die.

A memory of not being safe.

A memory that opened me up to being raw enough to cry on a stranger’s shoulder. And yet I do not remember it.

I feel like I cannot confront it. I cannot face myself. So I hide. I snap at the person I love the most and I hide.

And I hate myself for being so weak.

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2 thoughts on “Hiding

  1. Dear Trisha,
    Your story and your posts make me cry. Not so much for what you have suffered, but for the deeper pain that comes when you try to confront childhood anguish. What shines through even more though is the gratitude I feel towards people like you who do take a stand against what most of the population want to deny and hide and blame on the victim – simply because the victim is now an adult. But the real victim was a child, a child who sought only love and got at best indifference and at worst, a bunch of soul-destroying beliefs that infect every aspect of their lives.

    My mother is narcissistic. I knew something was wrong from a very young age. I did confront it. continually, throughout my life and was called “over-sensitive”, “imaginative”, “a liar”, all sorts of nasty names that enabled my parents and my sister to deny what had happened and was still happening.

    It was interesting that you said your sister’s experience was so different. Mine too, I think. She would say that I was the golden-haired child who got all the attention. Perhaps i was, I was more outgoing, smarter, funnier, sportier. Just a different personality really and my mother couldn’t cope with difference. Anyway, as an adult my sister has been complicit in denying the past. It’s that concept of “oh that was a long time ago, you need to get over it.” We don’t get over things though, we get through them.

    Congratulations on taking this journey. It is the most painful one you’ll ever embark on, but it’s the most utterly rewarding as well. Because what you’re uncovering and discovering is an amazing human being – you.

    • Dear Mandy,

      Thanks for your comment. I can relate to the being called the assortment of names to dismiss my experience and my perception.

      Take care of yourself,

      Trisha

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