Silence

I wonder sometimes whether my past was real. Whether enduring the abuse of childhood actually happened. I wonder whether it is real.

Rationally I know I was abused. But I keep the secret. Years of conditioning are powerful that way. I question my motives for keeping the silence. Is it because I am afraid I am wrong…that it never happened. That I am just a nutcase. Someone who should be kept silent and apart from society.

It’s bullshit. What happened to me…happened. And other people witnessed it. I am pretty sure that the memories are strongly repressed in my family’s little circle. But just because something is buried does not mean it did not happen.

One day I will work up the courage to break my silence. I will speak out. I will advocate for myself, but at the moment the years of silence weigh down on me. A habit impossible to break.

I do not know why I keep silent. I keep telling myself that some things cannot be unsaid. But, and this is a big but, by keeping silent I am denying part of my story. Allowing a smear campaign to be carried out, where the person who hit and hurt me is dictating the public perception of me…

And yet, I still carry on the family line of not washing dirty laundry in public. Of shouldering the responsibility for what an adult did to a child.

It’s not right but it is the current reality. For years I have been told that I am strong enough to carry this burden in silence. I now need to convince myself that I am strong enough to tell my story out loud.

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2 thoughts on “Silence

  1. But… you are! You are already doing it, right here! And I’m hearing every word!
    You now just need to make sure YOU hear it too, you need to say it to yourself, out loud, as loud as you want, until there is no doubt about it anymore… not for you.
    The rest isn’t important, they need to deal with their things their way and will deny it as much as they need to.
    You are the only one who needs to hear.
    Just make your head hear what your heart already knows, acknowledge yourself!
    They might never be able to… that is NOT your problem.
    Start to increase your volume and soon your careful whispers will become the loudest reality, and people will not be able to continue to deny you anymore, because everyone else will know you speak the truth.
    No more lies… please.

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