We went up to Arenal volcano this past weekend, Riaan and I, and while we walking through a rain forest (just before we saw an anteater) I found myself thinking about love.
Is it possible that someone who has not experienced love to love you? And is love more than just a feeling and a word that you say. If you love someone can you hurt them? Over and over again?
Can you keep score of their wrongdoings…make everything a game with a sadistic score card which compares people and action.
If there is one thing that scares me most about having been abused as a child it is that I am afraid that I do not know how to love. Not properly, not unselfishly, not without any strings, not without keeping score…however unconsciously.
As time ticks by I wonder about things being black and white…is a person completely good or completely bad…or are people just people, simultaneously capable and doing good and evil.
And surely there is no such thing as destiny. But then I keep getting lost in the quagmire of my thoughts and fears…
And then I remember I have been able to love unconditionally before. I have been able to lay down my burden of hurts and let my spirit run free with someone elses.
Perhaps that is what will save me.