We went up to Arenal volcano this past weekend, Riaan and I, and while we walking through a rain forest (just before we saw an anteater) I found myself thinking about love.

Is it possible that someone who has not experienced love to love you? And is love more than just a feeling and a word that you say. If you love someone can you hurt them? Over and over again?

Can you keep score of their wrongdoings…make everything a game with a sadistic score card which compares people and action.

If there is one thing that scares me most about having been abused as a child it is that I am afraid that I do not know how to love. Not properly, not unselfishly, not without any strings, not without keeping score…however unconsciously.

As time ticks by I wonder about things being black and white…is a person completely good or completely bad…or are people just people, simultaneously capable and doing good and evil.

And surely there is no such thing as destiny. But then I keep getting lost in the quagmire of my thoughts and fears…

And then I remember I have been able to love unconditionally before. I have been able to lay down my burden of hurts and let my spirit run free with someone elses.

Perhaps that is what will save me.


2 thoughts on “Love

  1. I wonder if this post I just read can be of help to you?’t-grow-up-with-it/

    I apologise if you have already come across it or find it unhelpful.
    Either way I hope you realise that you are the one in control of your feelings and if and how you love, and that there are so many types of love.
    We just have to make sure not to settle for less than our perfect love, which is unfortunately not as easy to recognise as it seems.
    And maybe you will be lucky to find someone who can help you give and receive that perfect love.

    Be blessed and thank you for sharing.

  2. Hi Henri,

    Thanks for the link it provided an interesting perspective and it helped a bit. I guess it’s getting used to the love does not have to be coupled with pain and that the bottom isn’t going to fall out which can be a challenge.

    I am lucky at the moment, I have a couple of amazing someone’s who are sharing this journey of experiencing love with me.

    Take care,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s