Some Realizations

I’m not back yet, not really. But in this past week I have had a couple of realizations that I think are important and so I writing them down here.

Firstly, and this is important, no matter what an abuser or those around them say or believe no behavior causes or justifies abuse. Or, put another way, the abuse will not stop or go away if the victim of abuse changes their behavior. It is never ever the victim of abuse’s fault.

(I read this sentiment in a book far outside of the context of either domestic violence and narcissistic mothers and child abuse and finally it started to sink in…I think the fact that the context was so far away allowed it past years of indoctrination and walls that have always fed the belief that me being abused as a child was my fault.)

Secondly, the abuser and those close to them have a vested interest in not believing that you are being abused. This is because if they were to acknowledge the truth of you being abused then they would have to admit some very ugly truths. People do not like confronting ugly truths. And the very ugly truth is child abuse and domestic violence does not just happen to them…it happens to everyone of us across all walks of life and their is no shame in being a victim.

It is this belief that keeps abuse secret.

The fact that those close to the abuser deliberately keep their eyes closed to the abuse does not make them bad people. They are just human…and human beings are incredibly fallible.There are those who see and will reach out to you in kindness. Do not be afraid of it. Do not believe that kindness always has an agenda. Sometimes it does, but oftentimes not.

The fact that those close to the abuser believe the abuser over you is tragic but does not diminish your experience.Your abuser may never ever acknowledge, not even to themselves, that they abused you. You do not need them to acknowledge what happened in order to heal. And yes, you can heal from this.

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4 thoughts on “Some Realizations

  1. “Or, put another way, the abuse will not stop or go away if the victim of abuse changes their behavior.”

    This is the bit I find so hard to accept, even though I know it is true…
    But I am supposed to be the fixer! People ask me how to do things, technical things, emotional things, garden things, all sorts of things! Even he does…
    But when I offer him the advice how to change some aspects of himself to make us better, he almost always refuses and tells me I only have to not do those things and change the other things about me and everything will be better.
    So I tried, and somethings else turns out to be not right.
    I can’t seem to change enough to fix us…
    I know it is true, but it is hard to want to stop adjusting the only thing you have control over in a relationship: yourself, even when you are not the one at fault.
    Thanks for sharing.

  2. Hi Henri,

    I know it’s hard, especially when you are the fixer. But I sometimes wonder if that trait does not allow our abusers an internal justification to use us as a scapegoat for their behaviour.

    Be careful about changing so much that you lose sight of who you are…and who you want to be. Change is a part of life but we can choose what we change about ourselves and sometimes we can choose not to change…to hang onto a part of our core.

    Take care of yourself.

    • Last year, I had a very clear moment, a revelation of sorts, when all of a sudden I realised, that what ever he would throw my way, he can NEVER actually destroy ME.
      And from that realisation on, I knew how strong I really am.
      And however much I have changed throughout my years with him (my Mum said to him: ” I gave you a pussycat, you have turned her into a tiger… Be careful, one day she’ll bite your head off for what you’ve done.”), and how many times I have lost sight of myself, I know the real me is still and will always be there, growing in strength and ready to come out when the time has come.
      And it is coming.

      Thank you.
      Be blessed.

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