I don’t do feelings very well…not ones that relate to me. I can empathize very well…I can feel someone else’s heartbreak or joy…but my own…those I tend to keep caged.
And if they start surfacing I generally become grumpy and moody. I imagine that I am an absolute terror to be around. But feelings are something that I need to learn to do…so I am currently trying to just feel. Especially emotions related to my past abuse…the problem is I am very good at distracting myself. I need to stop and feel…deal with these feelings.
Part of me feels that my childhood could be described using the opening line of a Tale of Two Cities:
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.
But that is a cop out…it is an attempt to describe without actually facing the darkness, before I step into the light.