I feel stuck…I am slowly doing some recovery work outlined in one of the books dealing with having a narcissistic mother but I feel stuck…as though I am not willing to let go of the umbilical cord of my past.
My mother emailed me yesterday and I don’t know how to respond…if I even want to respond…no doubt the fact that I have not replied already makes me a bad daughter and vindicates her worldview…and yet, I can’t write: “Yes mother, I think of you too…and wonder if you feel any remorse for what you did to me? Whether you even remember it? Whether you genuinely believe it is my fault?”
The worse thing is I love her…but I don’t think there is any way for me to be around her at the moment. I fulfilled two roles in our little dysfunctional family: lost child and scapegoat.I am feeling the effects of the lost child at the moment…I literally have no idea what I want to do with my life at the moment or of who I am.
I wish someone could just hand me a map and instruction manual…but then, what would I actually learn…I am whinging…no, make that venting…I guess part of this healing process is just letting the feelings come and actually feeling them…inside of hiding behind a mountainous to-do list.
Just feeling my way out of this darkness and into the light.