This has been an interesting week for me.
A very dear fellow blogger recently pointed out that my mother might have some narcissistic traits, which I immediately disagreed with. Proving yet again, the faster and more vehemently you discard an idea the more likely it is to be hitting close to home.
And so today when I was spending a few moments reflecting on where I have been going with this knowledge this week I realised that I had been avoiding taking any action towards resolving myself from this adverse childhood experience.
So, I began examining reasons why I was doing so…and came up with a couple:
- The tapes in my head playing and telling me to get over it, there was nothing that traumatic about my childhood, and besides there are people who are so much worse off than me.
- Fear…while this is not a great place to be, it is somewhere that I am familiar with, and hence has the illusion of safety. Even though I know I will be moving to a better place it is difficult to get up the courage to start moving.I just finished watching this TED talk, where at the end where Morgan Spurlock argues that we have been taught to be risk-adverse and it all kind of clicked into place. My family have always drilled into me that I should be afraid of the consequences and have encouraged me to rather not try.But that is not how I want to see my life when I look back on it. I want to say but I did those things. I know I am going to make mistakes…I guess I just need to learn to live with them, the consequences of them, and actually enjoy creating my own path.
This internal resistance is not going to win over me. The cage in my head is not going to hold me prisoner for ever.