One of the blogs that I frequently read is written by a lovely woman named Alisa Bowman called Project Happily Ever After. She generally blogs great advice about choosing to be happily married. Alisa is also a mother.
And in my fragile state it felt as though the world was rubbing my nose in the relationship that I did not have with my mother…the fact that my mother was so very far from the ideal…and the entry scratched at the scabs that are only just beginning to form. It just feels so unfair that I didn’t have that matriarchial figure to turn to…that was happy to have me…who felt that I was such a source of misery. And who made sure that I knew that I was a burden and unwanted.
I sound bitter as I type this…and I think perhaps I am…but anyway, after a moment of reading the entry I nearly emailed Alisa to say that such a topic should come with a trigger warning to those who did not grow up in happy circumstances. But then I took a step back and realized…there was definitely no harm intended with the posting…and hopefully the advice in the book will pull some mothers back from the point of despair and desperation and prevent them from descending down into the spiral of abuse.
And I recognized that in this time and place of hurt it is easy to see offense where none is intended and to take things the wrong way. I am certainly not the only one with mother issues in the world and heaven knows that there are enough other people who came through tough times in their childhood.
I don’t begrudge those people who find my experiences alien…I envy them. I also know that part of the reason that the post upset me so much is because I am jealous of people who have had happy childhoods with mothers who love them.
And who knows, when I am ready for motherhood perhaps I will pick up a copy of The Happiest Mom.