The past couple of days I have been thinking a great deal about my relationship with my mother, and the relationship that I would be willing to let her have with any children that I may have in the future. (I think this was triggered by the fact that I am becoming an aunt).
My greatest fear when it comes to these unborn children is that I will inflict the same damage on them as I had inflicted upon me. That I would make them doubt that they are worthy of unconditional love.
The whole concept of unconditional love is one that I am learning, but I have not yet mastered it.
I do not know if I can honestly say that I love my mother unconditionally at the moment, and this is a statement that distresses me somewhat. I also battle to feel compassion for her when I am close to her or having a conversation with her – I think some of the hurt and wounds are just too raw.
So, that is definitely something that I want to work on.
Because with age and distance comes insight. And I suspect that my mother never developed the coping mechanisms to actually process and move on and leave the abuse of her childhood behind. She was unconsciously recreating the patterns and roles of her own family.
And I feel sorry for her and the experiences that she had growing up.
But I do not know if I am able to forgive her yet, I want to be able to. I will never forget what she did to me, I dare not lest I repeat her mistakes.
I can’t even verbalize a great deal of the pain and I wonder how she sees the same experiences. Does she even remember them?
Does it matter, is it necessary for us to discuss them…do I need to explain to her why I am wary of letting my guard down? Of risking closeness? And if I do try to explain this, will it do more harm than good?
I just don’t know. But that’s okay, I will figure it out as I go along.