I wonder at the moment whether this is just a calm period…an eye in the storm. I am almost scared to relax and breathe and pay attention to this moment, because what if I draw too much attention to it and it slips away.
I think a great deal of what is going on with me now has to do with acceptance. Accepting that I cannot control other people’s behavior and conduct, especially when it has become habitual.
And I have released myself from the burden of saying this is how it should be…I mean, who really knows how it should be. Instead I am simply saying this is what it is.
What it is is while I have family issues and a number of my mothers unresolved issues are being role played out on me … I do not have to play the game. I can compassionately let go. I do not need to be defined by someone else, nor by my hurt.
I am who I am, but I can choose what I want to do with my life, and from there I can go and get it. There is nothing standing in my way.
For far too long I have held myself accountable to shoulds and other people’s moulds. As I have previously pointed out, people are not things, and therefore we do not belong in moulds.
I think one of the biggest aids in dealing with this depressive episode has been mental…choosing not to wallow. Choosing to move forward. One of the best things about this choice is I can keep living it.