I wish it were simple. I wish that my feelings were clear cut, and that I could figure out exactly what is going on with them.
But I can’t and they are not.
That’s the way things are.
And yes, I was abused as a child. And the people who were supposed to protect me, all of society’s guardians stood by and did nothing.
And I did not speak up. I did not know how.
I still don’t. I think I am getting better at it. But I battle to speak about anything.
I notice the way that I am more protective of other people’s privacy than they are of their own on facebook, and I wonder is it because of the way that I was taught to keep secrets when I was growing up? (Part of me goes its because I understand the data that you are actually sharing a lot of the time…and I think people just don’t think).
I have been told that at any stage, I can simply leave the emotional baggage behind. I don’t need to pack it in the suitcase.
The truth is it is not so much baggage as body weight though, and you can’t just wish off a few kilograms. And while moving to a different continent has put me on a diet, and resulted in me making more healthy lifestyle choices emotionally, stopping filling myself with emotional junk all the time.
I still have work to do.
I told my parents two days ago that we were heading back to South Africa for a while. And there response was oh, okay, that’s news.
Not good news. Not it would be lovely to see you again after 18 months. Not well, let us know if there is anything we can do.
The other people who have heard the news (Riaan’s family and two of my mates) have all been ecstatic, saying that they are so excited and can’t wait to see us.
And I guess I feel cheated by my parents reaction. I feel that they don’t care or love me. And I know it is silly. I should not care. After a lifetime of this behaviour, I should not let it get to me.
But it does.
I guess I still need to work off some emotional weight.