I want you to crush my dreams
’cause it’ll mean that I had some
and I want some
~ Kim Boekbinder, Rainbows and Unicorns
One of the craziest things that I am coming to terms with right now is what I want from life…and how to go about getting it.
In some ways depression robs you of your essence…it feels like your soul is getting sucked right out of you…and that nothing that you do will ever get it back.
And all that will be left, will be an empty husk.
But, the truth is, that is a lie. And depression is an incredibly skilled liar…and one that is exhausting.
But there is a powerful anecdote to depressions poisonous lies I have found…and it is in finding small things. Stupid little rituals and habits…one that I am not managing to quite keep up is meditating when I get up…there seems to be lots of little things that get in the way, but I am trying to find ten minutes a day to meditate…to quiten my mind…because even though that doesn’t make me feel better immediately, it does help. I become less sensitive and take things less personally.
Another ritual is the housekeeping and Spanish lesson…and remembering that half of the battle here, is just showing up…and doing my best. Because that is good enough…and little bits of effort add up to tremendous gains.
And writing, this is the 14th consecutive day that I have posted something. It doesn’t matter that the quality of the writing here will never win a Pulitzer. I have started to do something and I have stuck with it…and that is a win.
Just because a victory is small, does not make it insignificant.
Of course, my next stop is to start figuring out my dreams and working to making them a reality.