Don’t  pay any attention to the critics. Don’t even ignore them.

~ Samuel Goldwyn

Criticism is easy. It is always easy to find fault with something, something that could be done better or differently.

Finding something positive…that is much more challenging.

And I think sometimes I am my own harshest critic. Which creates a cycle of coulda, shoulda, woulda…an endless cycle of recriminations and what-ifs. This is horribly ironic, because towards other people, I can easily help them find the positive and focus on the positive. It’s easier to be kinder to others than it is oneself, I think…we know all our own faults, and society I think has brainwashed us into believing that we should ignore out strengths and positive the name of modesty.

But, something that I am getting better at is looking past the what ifs…and at the what is. And by changing that perspective, looking at a situation without judgement and getting past the negative emotions of hurt and anger and pain…

The world is a much more welcoming place, a place where I would like to stay for quite a while yet.

A place that will hopefully be happy to have had me when I eventually shuffle off this mortal coil.

The problem with my inner critic is that it sometimes stops me from starting…and that is changing.

My inner critic learnt from some of the best, and I think it developed and honed its skills as a coping mechanism – I managed to train it that no one else could hurt me more than I could hurt myself, so I created an endless cycle of fault finding…and not being good enough and consistently creating a mental report card of “must try harder” “has potential, but can do more”.

But now, I am creating a new reality of silencing my inner critic…and learning how to deal with those outside who helped give it its voice. I wish I could say that I did not resent them at all for it, but I do.

I know that there is a piece of folk wisdom that expectations create disappointment…and I guess it is true, my expectations of those who society indoctrinated me that they would love me best and unconditionally….they were not met.

I know a great deal of it is because of the circumstances of their upbringing…it takes a different kind of person to break out of an abusive cycle, and growing up in a home with a narcissistic mother and an alcoholic and philandering father could not have been easy…and a great deal of their behaviours were learnt from being in such an environment, but these are reflections and pieces of knowledge that I have pieced together as an adult…as a child, I just could not understand why I was never good enough to be loved.

This post feels as though it is bitter, but it is not entirely the case…simply a matter of deconstructing  the past and the person that my past has formed…and forming a new, more functional and happy self.


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