Disconnected

I do not feel like I am connected to anyone or anything at the moment. I feel like I am anchorless – randomly floating on a rough sea with no real hope of reaching the shore.

And yet, occasionally, I catch a glimpse of it. A silent simple moment where I can see the shore and I seem to be moving toward it.

But at the moment I don’t feel like I will reach it. However, I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. Mentally repeating “Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot.”

Taking moments where I experience emotions as signs that I will make it through this dark passage.

Yesterday, I found myself in a situation where I needed to escape…just get out of my house. Where it felt like I was under attack. The reality was that the person was not intentionally bringing me down – but that did not matter to my feelings.

So I escaped to the park – for the first time since I have been living here…It is a beautiful place and I have no idea how to describe the experience. I grabbed my journal and I fled…and in a glade on a stone bench I poured my heart out.

Sights of birds simultaneously pleasant while triggering flashbacks of events – based on their colours. Of all the things to trigger a flashback?! The colour of a bird? Whoever would have thought of that one.

I can see the sunshine but not really feel it at the moment. So I will keep just keep saying – “left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot”…and creating tasklists of the mundane. And hopefully being able to tick things off them.

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