It is frightening to type those words…to admit to myself and to the world that I feel like I am drowning…when I don’t have any reason to…I don’t have any right to be depressed dammit! There are people out there that are much worse off then me…who are going through real dark and difficult times.
Not just fighting off chemical impulses in their heads…but fighting is not the right word, it implies taking more action and doing something stronger than I am doing. It implies that there is action. Not this feeling of hollowness, of emptiness, of just putting one foot in front of the other, and hoping for hope.
It implies that I am not reduced to sobbing for no reason and without being able to stop. It implies that there is more to life than this shell.
Because that is what I am at the moment – a shell. A sad, pathetic shell.
I never thought that people were serious about the conflicting voices in their head. Where what they know to be rational and what they feel were completely opposite. And the irrational thoughts of hopelessness and worthlessness and all the other -lessnesses win out easily over the rational thoughts.
It is not sadness that I feel, because that would imply more sensation than I have right now. It is like I am falling through a deep dark hole and I have no idea of when I will stop and if I will be able to get back up again.